Roads Untraveled

I think we went down the wrong road.

For a long time, the girls and I were happy, living our lives without holdovers of guilt and anger from the past. Cynical sarcasm, yes, but we weren’t angry, and we sure as hell didn’t feel guilty for having been angry.

Since the last posting here, we’ve traveled down a road that took us to a reunion with family we’d left behind. There was a reason we’d left them behind; a singular reason that boiled down to us being free of the poison that was pervading every part of our lives. Blindly repeating the same mistake over and over, giving in to temper tantrums and manipulations, we didn’t want to be a part of that anymore. Why the hell should we put our daily lives and our sanity on hold for someone(s) so unstable they can’t even behave their ages for the sake of a child?

At the time of the reconciliation, I had high hopes. I was assured things had changed, that everyone had made some significant progress towards behaving more like grown ups should. This person and I became friends, so I thought, but then two or so months down the road, the batshit came back and it all blew up again. It broke my heart, because the girl that was could have been an amazing person, beautiful not only outside, but on the inside as well.

Whether 20 or 63, sometimes one needs to just look at ones behaviour from others’ points of view, and realize that throwing tantrums, lying, and manipulating is the very reason everyone distances themselves from you. And this is why we’ll be distancing ourselves again.

There is no reason why we need to be involved in the manipulative, vicious and psychologically damaging cycle that most of the rest of the family lives in. We can do the grown up thing, and step back. Step away.

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
‘Cause the love that you lost
Wasn’t worth what it cost
And in time you’ll be glad it’s gone.

Roads Untraveled ~ Linkin Park

The Grey Area

I watch – rather – listen to Grey’s Anatomy. We no longer have regular TV, as I decided to cut the cable from our monthly expenses. Why pay $35 for something we weren’t using, and only had half of what we were supposed to have anyway?

Digressing into MTS hate isn’t why I was here this morning. Why I can’t sleep yet again.

The last two episodes have been really painful to watch. Karev’s intern, Morgan, had to give birth prematurely to her son. Very prematurely. Tommy (name revealed in the last episode) weighs just over 14 ounces. The fake baby they use, if anyone is interested, is very realistic.

I know. And that’s why it hurts. In 1992, I was pregnant with twins. On June 8th at almost 22 weeks, my water broke and Brittany & Lori were born.

Seeing that baby, fake or not, brings it all back. Knowing that 20 years ago there was pretty much nothing they could do to save even one of the girls, and now babies their size actually survive and some have normal lives… so many what ifs.

Tommy’s little body in that isolette is so familiar, yet not… it reminds me so much of what I wanted to see back then; not my little girls swaddled and cold, but under the lamps, warm and growing. Breathing. Living.

So Long, Farewell, Auf wiedersehen, Goodbye

In the never-ending drama that had become my life in the last year, I lost a few things, mostly material, some not so much. I look back at a year with some regret for once, but not much… you see, this quote I found over at Gina’s today pushed that sadness well and truly out of my heart.

“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.” – Jim Morrison