This week’s challenge was to decide whether we’d found ourselves, our soul-compass, yet, and what we would call into our lives to round it out; we were also asked to think about what our 80-year-old self would write in a letter to our present selves. Finally, we were to look at our present selves to see in what ways we’re a goddess. A lot of stuff for one week, and it’s taken two for me to work it all out.

I like to think I have my compass, that I’ve found my self… I enjoy spending time with the girls and friends, it feels like where I’m supposed to be. While my job doesn’t pay well, it is rewarding, and I enjoy it immensely, most days. I look at where I am now, and while it’s not where the 16 year old envisioned the omg-I’m-almost-40 me being, it’s better than where I could be. A lot better. I could be where I was a while back. Disillusioned and allowing bad habits to prevail, playing follow the leader into a place I should never have been; a place those leaders now call me hypocrite for being. Confusion has kept me angry for too long, and I realize I don’t care. I should have known the first time I was verbally slapped to just back the fuck away. Should have, didn’t. Life is full of lessons to be learned and re-learned, right?

I would definitely call more time into my life to be with my family, to work on our studies and just be close. I mean, we are close – probably closer than we should be – but we don’t spend the kind of time together that I’d like. Having such different tastes in pretty much everything, we complement each other well, but it also keeps us from finding a common source of bonding. We’re hoping to remedy that this year, so maybe by summer we’ll have time to actually do that something.

My 80-year-old self would look back on this time and want to warn me to stop and listen to my heart and my instincts. Listen to G. and (I hate admitting this) J.S. & M. when they told me I should watch where I placed my trust, that I was trusting people that were doing little more than slapping me down. I know J.S. & M. were doing the same thing, and perhaps that was all part of why I didn’t listen… but no matter. I should have listened to my own inner self. Instincts are the fight or flight trigger, after all. Fight? No. I should have walked away. Sometimes flight is the better option. I think, had I received such a letter, it would have done me a world of good, and perhaps I’d not have let others step on me and my work/talents (such as they are). For too long now I’ve felt more like a shadow than a writer, a nag more than an editor. Having seen the success of my work in the last six months, I think I’ve been hindered by blinders too long.

Out of necessity, I’ve had to become a goddess of multi-tasking. My Belfire requirements include a lot of editing, a lot of cover work, a lot of promotional work and a lot of communication with the Belfire-family; my own family needs me, as well as my group. I set aside a lot of time with the family, both the girls and the group-family, to spend more time working, networking, etc. It’s time I set aside some of that so I can continue working on me, and if the last six months are anything to go by, I think it’ll be well worth it.

<|:-)