Issues and More Issues

Several things to note this week:

• ‘Zines are way late. Hopefully they’ll go out tonight.
• I missed three deadlines during FebNo that I totally forgot about. Also going out tonight.
• MTOM will be upgraded to the new format as soon as I get up the nerve to do it and not lose all the extras I’ve added.
• Considering I’m starting Budokon tonight I’m likely to be rather bitchy for a while. If I bite you, don’t take it personally.

So if something goes wonky on your next visit here, please be patient. I will fix it.

I got a letter in the mail today. If you’ll take a look to the left column, you’ll see I’ve got a deadbeat dad thing goin’ on down there. I guess the Maintenance Enforcement people are sick of him playing games with them…and they’ve issued a Federal Garnishment order. Could be that any unemployment benefits, GST refund amounts, and his income tax will be either garnished, or sent in full to me to pay the back child support. This’ll take up to 3 months apparently – and in the meantime, the arrears are piling up twice a month.

11 years ago, a bright-eyed little ball of black fluff that looked so much like a negative polar bear came into our lives. She was soon named Bear (her nose did grow out though and she looked less bear-like). A supposed Keeshond – Shepherd cross, it was quickly apparent there was very little, if any Keeshond. Then again, only her body stature looked like a German Shepherd…I think a collie got into that particular mess…anyway Bear was a wonderfully intelligent and gentle dog. The limits to her patience with two toddlers toddling after her seemed boundless; and she seemed intent on making sure they were well fed, bringing back muskrat and mole bits – and deer legs. I don’t know where she found them, but…ick.

She saved me from being trampled by a young bull moose once, simply by growling at me and scaring me back into the house…I watched out the window as the moose moved off into the trees. She kept the girls out of trouble more times than I can count. She was, literally, the perfect dog. Except for the chewing and the messes..but dogs will be dogs (which is one reason why I don’t have one).

In case anyone really cares (and since I know one person visiting this blog did..ROFL) Bear did not die until this past fall, when Mort had to have her put down due to some weirdness in her guts. In the meantime, she had a litter of gorgeous puppies (her first 2-g, 1-b), and was so happy to see the girls and I as often as Mort could get her here, or we could get there. Despite being alone for so long, starving and dehydrated, she lived when she should have died. She found us (thanks Donna and Wayne). She spent the last year of her life with Mort and Wren, and it was a very happy time for her; they spoiled her and her babies. At least she died with all of us loving her – knowing we didn’t abandon her.

Miss you Bear!

Wandering the Random

I’ve been popping by the occasional blog and since Daven is doing FebNo too, I thought I’d slip past his pages and take a look. Particularly since he posted his blog entry from today, at the FebNo forums. Ya’ll gotta read this. If I haven’t said it lately, or at least publicaly, Daven is like, a god or something. I totally agree with the rape comments, having dealt with the fallout with my kid. And hey, I do consider what happened to her, to be rape.

On another note, I have to admit that I felt a little let down after the divorce party. Not unhappy, not that huge “shouldn’t there be more to this?” let down.

I realized there was one person missing from that celebration, the one person that I should have been sharing this with. The one person that made me find myself again. Over two years have gone by since I said goodbye (and at the time, I meant goodbye, not see ya later). On the 19th, I dreamt he came home. When I woke up last Friday morning, I could feel him everywhere in the house, all around me – a huge, heavy weight on my chest where he’d put his hand, telling me he’d always be there. He should have been here. Not there – not in my heart, not in my memories. Here.

I’m pissed off that he wasn’t, and yet, I wouldn’t pick up the phone at any point in the last two years to call him, at least not directly. When I said goodbye, I said goodbye. I told him then to have a good life – it was the most affable, beneficial and spirit-rending goodbye I’ve ever been a part of. It’s been…well, too long since he and I spoke, and one of the last things he’d asked was how soon the divorce would go through. Little did I know it would be so long!

It’s done now, and my freedom only cost me a lot of my empathy, a lot of my emotions and a lot of the very spirituality I have spent my life seeking. Still I seek, and I know that won’t be over until that tiny piece of me is returned home.

Can I only say I didn’t know? Hindsight is 20-20, even for the partially blind? No. I have to admit it. I didn’t understand what She had in mind when She brought him to me. I went against Her wishes and ended up lost in a sea of unfinished business. I know now, and yeah – he was right, She was right. I’m kicking myself. I was wrong. Love isn’t just a word.

But maybe we could pretend it is, just for a little while longer?